Bitching About Beckham

*This post was originally published on sometime in the Spring, 2009. I thought I’d post it here again, as Beckham plays out his last few games, or even game, of relevance in the MLS for the Los Angeles Galaxy.

Bitching About Beckham

Can we please stop bitching about Beckham, and all his selfishness?

Don’t people realize that Beckham is on a mission from God – to become the most iconic athlete, or maybe even the most iconic icon, in the world … ever?

Jesus’ iconic status has always been hampered by the way different religions produced different depictions of him. It’s hard to know the real Jesus. We might not recognize him in the bus seat next to us. And John Lennon was hurt by the whole language barrier. But Beckham … He plays a sport that translates to every culturally unique corner of the globe. And his smile makes men and women swoon from Brighton to Bangkok.

Beckham seems like the only one these days that sees clearly the purpose of his life on earth: global domination. He realizes that the time for such control may never come for any one individual again.

We are slowing this mission with our indifference to his recent loan to Milan (this should be celebrated with new jerseys for everyone in the family). A number of us are even griping about his lack of integrity and respect for American soccer. “American soccer?” Beckham would never think in such small terms.

When the world explodes in a few (hundred) years, what will be left? Hopefully, millions of tattered jerseys of dozens of teams bearing Beckham’s name. Pepsi bottles smeared with his face. Some titanium-plated Adidas boots. Crumbling stadiums graced with follicles of his golden hair. Computers and cables spouting records of his search-engine hits.

When aliens from another galaxy sift through these relics, don’t we want them to see the object of our affection? They would have to be stunned by his beauty, by his grace and poise. And no way would anyone from their home planet possess a better free kick.

Is world domination really such a bad goal? What’s more important? Saving the environment? The global economy? Social welfare? Although Beckham has the biggest carbon footprint in the world, he will get to these things. He simply needs to consolidate more power first. He needs to conquer a few more geopolitical strongholds. He’s working on Italy, if the media would simply help him do his work and quit asking distracting questions.

Beckham still has a way to go. We need to wait for him to take Asia, which he’s well on his way to doing, but might require a new set of knees a brief stint with Inter Shanghai. He’ll be back for America, which probably proved tougher than he imagined with so many publicity whores jockeying for attention in Beverley Hills.

Eventually, Beckham will reach the all-powerful deified pedestal he seeks. And from there, he will make it all right. He will cure global warming and starvation. He will singlehandedly rectify the economy.  He will tell all of us the secret to happiness, in that melting Londoner accent of his. Hopefully they won’t be as incomprehensible as his lines in Pepsi commercials. Admittedly, he needs to spend a little more time in Hollywood. When do the movie deals start? I can’t wait!

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